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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|12:43 am]
Yeah, I know.. The only time I write in here is when I'm having trouble... Oh well.

Let me list things about myself....

1. My mother had E.D.s
2. My mom was a druggie
3. My mother killed herself
4. I'm fat
5. I'm depressed
6. I was raped
7. I'm now diabetic



Today Kim told me how she has skin cancer... And honestly-- I don't believe her. She's a pathological liar. Always the victim. Then I realized something though....

I love playing the victim too.

So now I wanna bake just to get cancer.. I was some bad disease to come my way... Just to say that I survive it. I want to suffer a little bit. I've become far too numb.

I realized last night that I was diabetic... Or rather-- what that really means... It's kind of pathetic

I'm really not allowed to have sugar.. Which means all the things I love... candy,cake,doughnuts, and my most favorite...CARBS... I've done this to myself... I really have... And the sad part? I keep eating. I keep stuffing my fat fucking face with whatever.. My excuse? There's always tomorrow. And then I realize.. What if I lose a foot tomorrow.. What if I go into Diabetic shock? I've realized that this really limits me. It really does. It effects me... It's just not all clicking in yet... And I fear it'll be too late when it does.

I was finally starting to become okay with myself. I started working at Torrid and I was pumped. I wrote my english paper on it. At the end-- I realized my jr. english paper was a big joke. A big fucking joke. How can I accept a body that doesn't accept me?

I see myself shrivling away. My hands... they already have lines in them.. like they're leathered or something. I'm gonna be so wrinkly when I'm older.. I'll just be skin.

What about babies? Should I have babies? Diabetes runs in the family now. Can I subject that to them?

I went into the gym cordinator in school... She was really harsh.. And I don't like that.. She was like.. this is what you need to do... And I was like.. no shit? Because I haven't been hearing this for like my entire life? She said, do you care? And I go.. Of course... And she's telling me that I'll lose a toe then a foot then a leg untill I'll be just this torso... And I'm sitting back thinking to myself... Fuck you bitch.... now i'll eat doughnuts...I have a diabetic team working for me now. And honstly I don't like it...

I like playing victim.. But not when it's this real.

I'm scared. I'm so very scared. My feet are a little sore and I'm starting to walk on the outsides of my feet... The same as my mom... she was walking on the insides though... Oh god. What have I come to? I need to control this.. I just don't have enough self-control. I'm dying.. I literally don't want to live anymore. I want to stop trying. It seems there's no hope.. No compassion.. I'm hurting.. Can't anyone see that??Can't anyone see that I'm just wasting away? That I want to end it all? I'm not happy. I'm just not.

I'm not ready for this. I'm not.

I took this test thing for this phyciatrist.. It seems my IQ is like 96... Normal... Average.. And I had a hard time taking that. He marked me down for using my fingers to figure out math... I was like wtf?! I feel I'm so much better than average. I feel I'm so much more than a piece of paper. I've been through shit.. You know? And the thing is.. I feel as if I did get a crappy hand in life. I feel as if life just hates me. That was one of the questions on the test...

I've lost all faith in god.. And now I almost want it back. For some salvation. Just in case. But I feel like it's cheating.. Uh yeah god, I don't believe you really exist.. but incase you do... uh I love you? Please don't send me to eternal life in hell? Thanks. Love, Hannah. It's a cop out. I need a sign... some sort of sign of what I'm here for.. where I'm going.. anything? I'm no fucking mother thersea.. wow.. fuck and mother theresa should never be in the same sentence...

Sometimes when I'm in gym people are like.. why aren't you working out.. I want to shove their heads into the fucking ground and say.. what the fuck do you know about me?! Then I just take a deep breath and say... Dont' even start....

There are people that constantly piss me off.. This one guy Casey in my U.S. history class.. THe class was having a discussion and I said my opinion on something... Automatically guys jump on me and are like, that's not true! blah blah blah... They're always like that btw. Anyway.. I was eating my bagel... And Casey goes, why dont' you stop shoving your face and answer them...

I told him he was an asshole.
I can take care of myself... In fact.. You're lucky I didn't fully take care of myself... I could kick your ass motherfucker.
He doesn't know shit.. He hasn't been through what I've been through.. So stfu.

Then also in my english class... They all have an opinion on something.. And so do I... Again, the jumping on the back thing...like fucking wild animals... And you know what?? I'm starting tog et my old agressiveness back... And I like it... I really do. I like suprising. I'm done sitting back idlely and letting things just fall where they do. What happened? We were dicussing Their Eyes Were Watching God. Someone brought up Adam and Eve to compare it to. I was just giving my opinion and people just get on me... I was trying to say waht I was trying to say and no one was letting my say it. So I sit there quietly for a few minutes for them to settle then I start talking again. Again, they interupt me.. That's when I get vocal. I say, Look! I'm gonna say waht I'm gonna say wether I have to speak over you or what. You guys need to relax and listen and maybe you can learn something. I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say. Gertz just looked at them and said, you guys can be real jerks sometimes... He was like, Hannah I was going to say something for your case about the bibical sense but they made me forget... So I just sat there. I'm tired of being ignored..Stepped on. Kiss my ass!

I hate people. I really do.

I know I press buttons.. Not on purpose.. But I'm a vocal (fat) female. I'm intimidating. I almost want to growl at them and tell them to back off. I'm gonna start being more agressive because I'm tired of their shit...I really really am.

I'm just tired of being here at all. I'm tired of even trying anymore. I'm over this. I really am. I'm over the whole life thing. I want it to be over.. But I'm not gonna be like my mom... I think that's another reason I want some disease.. So I can die honorably.

Or maybe because I love playing victim...

I looked at Carly's myspace.. And I just hate her. I look at her and think.. she's very pretty.. And she's losing weight. Becker is over at her house like everyday.. And I grit my teeth and want to make them suffer.. Make her really fat and ugly... Look realllllly ugly.. And I want them to suffer...I wanna key their cars.. But then again, I don't want my car keyed.

I'm just hurting.. And I only have myself to blame.. I brought this all on myself... Why?

Because I love playing the victim...
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(no subject) [Dec. 3rd, 2005|01:21 am]
Grief
You are sad because of your grief


Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people
brought to you by Quizilla


Protector
You are a protector.
Yes, you don't like to kill people. That goes
against everything you belive in. It's not that
you are a coward, but your ideals and morals
wouldn't allow it. You are the typical hero, do
the righteous things, get the bad guys and do
it all legally. But just because you don't kill
doesn't mean you can't kick ass. And that is
what you do. You use your brain and your
strenght to do honourable deeds and protect
people you know and love. If an evil guy is
going to take over the world soon, it's you who
will get involved. You hate watching innocents
suffer, and love seeing bad people getting what
they deserve. You are probably also happy and
optimistic and work pretty good in groups. And
the friends you usually make are true ones.

Main weapon: Anything at all
Quote: "You only live once, but if
you do it right, once is enough" -Joe
Lewis
Facial expression: Smile


What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla


Close your eyes
"Close your eyes and let your memories embrace
you"

In your past, (whether it be as a child, a certain
relationship with someone or just a specific
timeperiod) you found happiness. Now, however,
you have lost it, and wish desperatly to go
back and relive it all. Because you focus too
much on what has already happened, you have a
problem with the future and don't really wish
to go there. You have mourned this loss for
quite some time now, and are too used to it to
let the familarity go. This situation is making
you frustrated, because you can't do anything
about it, but you remain unwilling to release
your memories.


What is Your Phrase? [for darker people]
brought to you by Quizilla


~*~Result nr 12~*~


Your power is: The ability to breathe
under water


Explanation: When swimming, you don't
need to get up and take a new fresh breath
since you take in oxygen from the water. This
allows you to stay in the water as much as
you'd like. In good purposes it can save
drowning victims. In evil purposes it can help
you drag down a person to the depths and have
them drowned. This power helps you escape the
world, if even for a bit, since you have grown
to despise it so much.
You have been a beaten dreamer with aspirations
crushed. Now you try to control your hopes
because you don't want to get hurt again. You
feel there is no hope for you in the future and
have no real goals. But unlike the Controller
of Time you do still feel, even if it's mostly
negative emotions. You have few friends, if
any, and feel you are unable to speak about
your troubles. And unlike the Transformer, you
don't feel happiness nowadays. All seems to be
filled despair whereever you go and you are
bitter becaue the world has failed you. It
didn't turn out the way you wanted it too and
you feel betrayed. It is also likely the
feeling of betrayal comes from past
relationships where you were left alone in the
end.
Negative aspects: Since you are highly
depressed and not letting out your emotions
properly there is a possibility for cutting, to
let the emotions out. Also, if the feeling of
despair grows to strong you might consider
taking your life.




What Power is Compatible With You? [beautiful anime pictures + 12 detailed results]
brought to you by Quizilla


Understanding
You need understanding.
In your life there has been many people that
could never seem too comprehend your
personality. Now you have either become an
out-cast because of their narrow minds or you
have adjusted yourself to them, and never
letting them see who you are deep inside. You
now think that no one will ever understand you
and you hate that fact. Though you are scared
of what the effects might be if you would
decide to let someone in so you keep a safe
distance that you both curse and bless.


What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla


Cynical
Life sucks and you know it. Nothing ever turns out
okay, nothing ever goes your way and while you
have to live this horrible life the gods are
laughing at you. The whole meaning with life,
according to you, is simply to die. But you
have not become this way just like that, you
have probably been decieved, betrayed and hurt
by people who meant alot to you in your past.
To you, life is not even bittersweet.


How do you see life?
brought to you by Quizilla


*************
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<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1111333072_uizA_grief.JPG" border="0" alt="Grief"><br>You are sad because of your grief
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/Why%20are%20you%20sad%3F%20%5Bamazing%20pictures%5D%20For%20darker%20people/"> Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1112529697__Protector.JPG" border="0" alt="Protector"><br><b>You are a protector.</b><br>Yes, you don't like to kill people. That goes<br>against everything you belive in. It's not that<br>you are a coward, but your ideals and morals<br>wouldn't allow it. You are the typical hero, do<br>the righteous things, get the bad guys and do<br>it all legally. But just because you don't kill<br>doesn't mean you can't kick ass. And that is<br>what you do. You use your brain and your<br>strenght to do honourable deeds and protect<br>people you know and love. If an evil guy is<br>going to take over the world soon, it's you who<br>will get involved. You hate watching innocents<br>suffer, and love seeing bad people getting what<br>they deserve. You are probably also happy and<br>optimistic and work pretty good in groups. And<br>the friends you usually make are true ones.<br><br><b>Main weapon:</b> Anything at all<br><b>Quote:</b> "You only live once, but if<br>you do it right, once is enough" -Joe<br>Lewis<br><b>Facial expression:</b> Smile
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20Type%20of%20Killer%20Are%20You%3F%20%5Bcool%20pictures%5D/"> What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1123759373_B_close.JPG" border="0" alt="Close your eyes"><br>"Close your eyes and let your memories embrace<br>you" <br>
In your past, (whether it be as a child, a certain<br>relationship with someone or just a specific<br>timeperiod) you found happiness. Now, however,<br>you have lost it, and wish desperatly to go<br>back and relive it all. Because you focus too<br>much on what has already happened, you have a<br>problem with the future and don't really wish<br>to go there. You have mourned this loss for<br>quite some time now, and are too used to it to<br>let the familarity go. This situation is making<br>you frustrated, because you can't do anything<br>about it, but you remain unwilling to release<br>your memories.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20is%20Your%20Phrase%3F%20%5Bfor%20darker%20people%5D/"> What is Your Phrase? [for darker people]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


~*~Result nr 12~*~<br>
<img
src="http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/P/PainfulBliss/1117293414_Power_Breathe.JPG"><br><b>Your power is:</b> The ability to breathe<br>under water <p align="left"><br><b>Explanation:</b> When swimming, you don't<br>need to get up and take a new fresh breath<br>since you take in oxygen from the water. This<br>allows you to stay in the water as much as<br>you'd like. In good purposes it can save<br>drowning victims. In evil purposes it can help<br>you drag down a person to the depths and have<br>them drowned. This power helps you escape the<br>world, if even for a bit, since you have grown<br>to despise it so much.<br>You have been a beaten dreamer with aspirations<br>crushed. Now you try to control your hopes<br>because you don't want to get hurt again. You<br>feel there is no hope for you in the future and<br>have no real goals. But unlike the Controller<br>of Time you do still feel, even if it's mostly<br>negative emotions. You have few friends, if<br>any, and feel you are unable to speak about<br>your troubles. And unlike the Transformer, you<br>don't feel happiness nowadays. All seems to be<br>filled despair whereever you go and you are<br>bitter becaue the world has failed you. It<br>didn't turn out the way you wanted it too and<br>you feel betrayed. It is also likely the<br>feeling of betrayal comes from past<br>relationships where you were left alone in the<br>end.<br><b>Negative aspects:</b> Since you are highly<br>depressed and not letting out your emotions<br>properly there is a possibility for cutting, to<br>let the emotions out. Also, if the feeling of<br>despair grows to strong you might consider<br>taking your life.</p>
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20Power%20is%20Compatible%20With%20You%3F%20%5Bbeautiful%20anime%20pictures%20%2B%2012%20detailed%20results%5D/">What Power is Compatible With You? [beautiful anime pictures + 12 detailed results]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1115499729_A_understanding.JPG" border="0" alt="Understanding"><br>You need understanding.<br>In your life there has been many people that<br>could never seem too comprehend your<br>personality. Now you have either become an<br>out-cast because of their narrow minds or you<br>have adjusted yourself to them, and never<br>letting them see who you are deep inside. You<br>now think that no one will ever understand you<br>and you hate that fact. Though you are scared<br>of what the effects might be if you would<br>decide to let someone in so you keep a safe<br>distance that you both curse and bless.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20Do%20You%20Need%20in%20Your%20Life%3F%20%5Bdark%20pics%5D/"> What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1110121526_nical_life.JPG" border="0" alt="Cynical"><br>Life sucks and you know it. Nothing ever turns out<br>okay, nothing ever goes your way and while you<br>have to live this horrible life the gods are<br>laughing at you. The whole meaning with life,<br>according to you, is simply to die. But you<br>have not become this way just like that, you<br>have probably been decieved, betrayed and hurt<br>by people who meant alot to you in your past.<br>To you, life is not even bittersweet.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/How%20do%20you%20see%20life%3F/"> How do you see life?</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


************* <br> <img<br>src="http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/P/PainfulBliss/1117453905_Quote_FashionForm.JPG"><br><b>Your wise quote is:</b> "Fashion is a<br>form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to<br>alter it every six months" by Oscar<br>Wilde.You are a very sarcastic person with a<br>sharp tongue. You may not be the one always<br>talking, but your mind is nevertheless<br>critizing. You tend to have a cynical view on<br>life itself and be somewhat withdrawn with who<br>you really are. Society now is in your eyes<br>corrupted and you wonder how the world will<br>survive. And people are in your mind very<br>ignorant and blind to the reality.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20wise%20quote%20fits%20you%3F%20%5Bpics%5D/">What wise quote fits you? [pics]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1104181529_ed_answere.JPG" border="0" alt="Depressed"><br>Your connection with darkness is through your<br>depression. Hated, sad and often feeling<br>lonely, there is only a few that appreciate the<br>real you. You tend to keep to yourself and away<br>from the world since you don't want to be hurt<br>and betrayed again. Music gives you the<br>understanding you need to get through, it's<br>your "therapy". Or you express<br>yourself through art or writing. Chances are<br>you're also an anti-social person, who only<br>likes being with close friends, if even that.<br>The world has finally showed it's true face for<br>you and you wish life wasn't this miserable to<br>live through. Maybe you'll find happiness in<br>the future, but right now you're just hiding<br>away from the world. Who needs people anyway?
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20is%20your%20connection%20with%20darkness%3F%20%5Bpics%5D/"> What is your connection with darkness? [pics]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1111428049_BrokenSoul.JPG" border="0" alt="broken soul"><br><b>Your soul is broken.</b><br>You are living through a lot of pain everyday<br>that you have to deal with, which is making you<br>sorrowful. No one ever stays by your side when<br>you truly need them and no one ever will.<br>Everything is hopeless and tragic and you keep<br>yearning for the day you will be free from<br>pain. Love is unlikely to happen to you because<br>you isolate yourself and are suspicious of<br>peoples motives. You stand in the shadows of<br>the world, watching what you can never have.<br>The bruises you carry never seems to heal, your<br>mind is dark and no one seems to understand or<br>wants to help. As always, you will be alone in<br>the world, fighting your dark thoughts by<br>yourself.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/How%20is%20your%20soul%3F%20%5Bpics%5D/"> How is your soul? [pics]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1112620757_ce.Element.JPG" border="0" alt="Ice element"><br>Your element is Ice. This element may seem a little<br>odd, but this is a side-effect from when the<br>element of Water gets too hurt. Once you were a<br>content soul, and happy with life. But then<br>something happened. Not necessarily on one day,<br>it probably happened gradually over time. You<br>lost your will to care and became even more<br>reserved from the world. People had hurt you in<br>ways you do not want to remember and now you<br>isolate yourself from them. You have turned<br>into an outsider and probably dress more in<br>black than you used to. Your depression is<br>eating you up and tearing you apart and the<br>worst part is that no one is willing to help,<br>or so it seems. In school you are often by<br>yourself or one single friend and you rarely<br>seem to be truly happy anymore. Your sad,<br>distant eyes and constant frown seems glued to<br>your face and you need a saviour from this<br>world. You may turn to music for understanding<br>and sing/scream along in the lyrics to get rid<br>of some pain. You are not very open about your<br>problems to your family/friends, and wish that<br>they would just notice it and make it go away.<br>Rate and message!
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20is%20your%20element%3F%20%5Bwith%20pics%20%2B%20detailed%20answeres%5D/"> What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1110909651_oodingword.JPG" border="0" alt="Broody"><br>Your word is: Brooding. You are a true thinker and<br>often try to figure out the meaning of life,<br>why we are all here etc. You may not be so<br>social, and often think twice before acting but<br>those thoughts you have in your mind never stop<br>flowing in. Sometimes you can be so<br>concentrated you forget about other things that<br>you have to do. Don't change, this world needs<br>deep people.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20Dark%20Word%20Represents%20You%3F%20%5Banime%20pics%5D/"> What Dark Word Represents You? [anime pics]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/P/PainfulBliss/1108926990_vanescence.JPG" border="0" alt="My Immortal"><br>Your Evanescence song is: My Immortal<br>Memories of a time with a lost person consumes<br>you. You remember him/her so clearly and you<br>are tired of being a victim to your thoughts.<br>You are depressed because of all this, but you<br>just can't seem to let it go. Apperantly this<br>person meant the world to you and made you very<br>happy. You hope that one day he/she will return<br>to you, and you will live happily ever after.<br>But your mind tells you it's not going to<br>happen. You need to let go in order to find<br>peace.<br><i>
These wounds won't seem to heal<br>This pain is just too real</i>
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20Evanescence%20song%20are%20you%3F%5Bmany%20outcomes%20%2B%20wonderful%20pictures%5D/"> What Evanescence song are you?[many outcomes + wonderful pictures]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/E/Ebony-Tears/1120408650_izavoident.jpg" border="0" alt="Avoidant"><br><b>Avoidant</b> This is characterised by intense<br>social anxiety. you have an extreme fear of<br>social situations as you are afraid of<br>critisism, disaproval and rejection from<br>others. You are reluctant to take personal<br>risks incase they prove to be embarassing, this<br>can lead you to exagerate these risks out of<br>proportion to escape them. You also do not tend<br>to get close to others due to a fear of being<br>disliked by them. Despite this you dream of and<br>desire relationships but are unwilling to get<br>involved with others as you are fearful of<br>being hurt or humilliated. You feel inadequete<br>to other people and view yourself as socially<br>inept or personaly unappealing.
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Ebony-Tears/quizzes/What's%20your%20personaltiy%20disorder%3F%20%5Bpics%5D/"> What's your personaltiy disorder? [pics]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/E/Ebony-Tears/1115217465__stock027b.jpg" border="0" alt="afflicted by sorrow"><br>You are not sure why you cry. You hate yourself and<br>in doing so are putting yourself through agony.<br>You cry tears of torment. You feel it will<br>never stop but your the only one who can make<br>it stop. You have an amasing soul, except you<br>don't have the confidence to see it inside<br>yourself..
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Ebony-Tears/quizzes/What%20has%20made%20you%20cry%3F%20%5Bpics%5D/"> What has made you cry? [pics]</a><BR> <font size="-2">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>


<table width="330" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" border="0"><tr><td width="180"><font face="arial" size="-1"><b>Disorder</b></font></td><td width="120"><font face="arial" size="-1"><b>Rating</b></font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/paranoid.html">Paranoid Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#cc0033" face="arial" size="-1">High</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/schizoid.html">Schizoid Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#990099" face="arial" size="-1">Moderate</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/schizotypal.html">Schizotypal Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#cc0033" face="arial" size="-1">High</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/antisocial.html">Antisocial Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#990099" face="arial" size="-1">Moderate</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/borderline.html">Borderline Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#ff0000" face="arial" size="-1">Very High</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/histrionic.html">Histrionic Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#990099" face="arial" size="-1">Moderate</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/narcissistic.html">Narcissistic Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#990099" face="arial" size="-1">Moderate</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/avoidant.html">Avoidant Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#cc0033" face="arial" size="-1">High</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/dependent.html">Dependent Personality Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#cc0033" face="arial" size="-1">High</font></td></tr><tr><td><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/ocd.html">Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder</a>:</font></td><td><font color="#990099" face="arial" size="-1">Moderate</font></td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" align="center"><font color="#000000" face="arial" size="-1"><br>-- <a href="http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv">Take the Personality Disorder Test</a> --<br>-- <a href="http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html">Personality Disorder Info</a> --</font></td></tr></table><br>






But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
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(no subject) [Oct. 30th, 2005|09:57 pm]
Your Porn Star Name is: Nasty Thong


linkpost comment

(no subject) [Oct. 18th, 2005|02:49 pm]
I think life is really funny. Really. I do. I walk in this school and I go-- why the fuck am I even here? I hate doing work. I hate it. I hate listening to ignorant assholes. I hate hating myself. I hate going home and knowing that my dad might know that I'm not doing well and that he thinks I'm a faliure. Oh well. It's not his life. It's mine. Bbl.
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(no subject) [Oct. 6th, 2005|11:48 am]
No one knows how I feel right now.

I want her to suffer. Really suffer.

She keeps losing weight and it just kills me. It absolutely kills me. And I feel like crying.
I know that I shouldn't concern myself with her. But it's like-- she's getting everything... and me? I suffer. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! Am I getting any skinnier? Nope. Is she? Yep. Is she suffering? I dont' know. Am I? Yep. I FUCKING LOVE LIFE!

I'm a terrible daughter. I really am. I'm thinking of ending it all. All of it. Just ending. Done. Just be done. No. No no no. No going into the hospital. I'm going to grow up. I can do it. I can. I can I can I can I can I can.

Why do I give her so much power? Maybe she's suffering. And if she is-- then good. Let her suffer. If not.. I don't know- I just hurt so bad. So very very bad. Gah. Goodbye.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Sep. 14th, 2005|02:43 pm]

Rednecks
Circle I Limbo

preps
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Britney Spears
Circle IV Rolling Weights

George Bush
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Saddam Hussein
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Osama bin Laden
Circle VII Burning Sands

Self-Involved Beautiful Women
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Hitler
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

linkpost comment

(no subject) [Sep. 13th, 2005|04:49 pm]
You Are Belle!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Intelligent and kind. Your beauty goes much further than your apperance. Also, you make judgements of people based on their personality and not their looks. Attaining all the knowledge that you can is one of your major goals in life, but you are also a person who can make things happen.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

A GIRLY GIRL
You dont have a lot of self-esteem and people are always bringing you down for being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel like youre too mature for your age and are frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to accept you because youre not like them. Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature, modesty. Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority complex, timidity..


discover what candy you are @ quiz me


Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...breath taking
Your hugs are...to die for
Your eyes...sparkle like the stars
Your touch is...awakening my heart
Your smell is...amazing
Your smile is...encouraging
Your love is...unique
Quiz created with MemeGen!


You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion.

</td>

agnosticism

79%

Paganism

79%

Satanism

67%

Buddhism

67%

Islam

58%

Hinduism

58%

Judaism

50%

atheism

46%

Christianity

29%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com


Romantic Comedy Anime!

What's your anime type?

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(no subject) [Sep. 7th, 2005|04:54 pm]
You scored as Faerie. Faerie: Aren't you a cute little flying person? Faeries are earth spirits. They live among each element completely hidden. They have cousins called Pixies. Pixies however, are very mischevious. They enjoy tormenting other creatures for fun. Little pranksters.. I hope you never meet one. Pixies have a bad reputation for finding a creature and clinging to them until death. Faeries can be somewhat close to a Pixie, but mostly they are loving, playful, and carry with them a child-like enthusiasm for life. Hide among the pedals of a Daisy, you are a Faerie.

</td>

Mermaid

67%

Angel

67%

Faerie

67%

Dragon

58%

WereWolf

42%

Demon

25%

What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Sep. 1st, 2005|09:46 pm]
Your Kissing Purity Score: 57% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing

Lip to lip action makes your heart sing



stone key
You are a stone key, and you unlock old and magical
secrets. What you have to offer is powerful and
difficult for many to understand, but
invaluable to the few who can truly grasp it.
Give the things you have carefully and
wisely, because not everyone will use them for
good.


What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(no subject) [Aug. 29th, 2005|01:22 am]
Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Romantic Kiss
Lying in bed after making love and just doing whatever.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 24th, 2005|04:53 pm]
Some people say that I'm pretty...
Some say I'm smart...
Some say I'm funny...
Some say I'm a good friend...

Then why the fuck am I still alone?! I'M STILL FUCKING ALONE! I'm not good enough for anybody. No one wants me. I'm fucking rotting while everyone else is dandy with their someone. What the fuck is wrong with me?! What is wrong?! Tell me! I want to know!

I'm looking at my friend's myspace.. then it brings me to her friend (which i know..and we're cool) -- her name is irma... So i was looking at irma's page and i see her with dima.. (dima is a friend of mine as well.. we're cool) and i think they're going out! she's a big girl... she's absolutley stunning though.

Life isn't worth living. Nothing is worth shit anymore.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 24th, 2005|04:42 pm]
What Icons are for you?(Thank you for #1!! Please check out my other Memes!!) by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2005|02:07 pm]
skylinebe
You are "Bowl of Oranges". You see life
to more than what most people do and you
genuinely care about people. You feel art and
music is the sure way of lifting your spirits.
You wish others could have appreciation like
you do, but, unfortunately, you are probably
the only one.


Which BRIGHT EYES song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2005|02:01 pm]
thrumyeyes07 may explode without warning
M
EXPLOSIVE

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Aug. 16th, 2005|05:54 pm]
omgwtfstd: what's up?
gIrLsRuLe4000: nothing
gIrLsRuLe4000: u?
omgwtfstd: just listening to music. i should be practicing but i'm too lazy
gIrLsRuLe4000: clarinet?
omgwtfstd: yea
omgwtfstd: ugh
omgwtfstd: why is it getting dark early again?
gIrLsRuLe4000: lol
gIrLsRuLe4000: cuz life sucks
omgwtfstd: exactly
gIrLsRuLe4000: lol
gIrLsRuLe4000: its as simple as that
gIrLsRuLe4000: sometimes billy
gIrLsRuLe4000: i can't find a reason for living
omgwtfstd: sometimes i can't either
gIrLsRuLe4000: do you sumtimes wonder why we're here?
gIrLsRuLe4000: i've officially decided that if there is a god.. he put me here to make evreyone laugh and feel important
omgwtfstd: that's a good reason
omgwtfstd: eh
omgwtfstd: i sometimes just a take a nihilistic approach to the world
gIrLsRuLe4000: nono
gIrLsRuLe4000: i mean that i am to be looked down upon
gIrLsRuLe4000: and i'd be the person that everyone goes... it could be worse
omgwtfstd: awww
omgwtfstd: no
omgwtfstd: do you believe in god?
gIrLsRuLe4000: i don't quite know
gIrLsRuLe4000: i believe in a higher power
gIrLsRuLe4000: i just don't know waht to call that higher power
omgwtfstd: oh
gIrLsRuLe4000: what about you?
omgwtfstd: eh
omgwtfstd: i'm agnostic
omgwtfstd: and believe highly in existentialism
omgwtfstd: like there really is no reason
gIrLsRuLe4000: define
gIrLsRuLe4000: existentialis
gIrLsRuLe4000: m
omgwtfstd: um
omgwtfstd: um it's like that human existance is unexplainable
gIrLsRuLe4000: like
gIrLsRuLe4000: big boom theroy?
omgwtfstd: and we don't know why that we are here, and never will
gIrLsRuLe4000: i see
gIrLsRuLe4000: yes
gIrLsRuLe4000: i think so too
omgwtfstd: so we should accept that
gIrLsRuLe4000: i have to tell you something
omgwtfstd: and it sort of says that freedom of choice and responsibility cause our actions and not fate
gIrLsRuLe4000: the world is going to end
omgwtfstd: oh?
gIrLsRuLe4000: yes
gIrLsRuLe4000: oh
omgwtfstd: when?
gIrLsRuLe4000: do you know how much we have destroyed ourselves?!
gIrLsRuLe4000: we keep feeding off the land
gIrLsRuLe4000: keep starving those who don't live up
gIrLsRuLe4000: we take others stuff
gIrLsRuLe4000: we compete with no end
omgwtfstd: yeah
gIrLsRuLe4000: again-- the whole big bang theroy with the words
gIrLsRuLe4000: the thoughts
omgwtfstd: brb
link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [May. 15th, 2005|02:42 am]
actually he did notice.. he came in the room and was like- what's up with hannah? And carly was like- oh.. I gave her some seroquil.. and he was like oooh... and i was just sitting there. zoning... just to cover that

I feel extremely sick right now.. Is this normal? I'm sitting here... and totally feeling like my stomach with heave up all the acid in my stomach and then engulf me (really odd imagery- but it makes sense to me)...

I was thinking....

Okay there a couple of philosophies that I was thinking about today...
I was once told (when I was christian) that god only gives you what you can handle.. And if that's true- then god must think i'm super strong... lol.. wow... is there really a god if he thinks that?? :yayah:

Another is the philosphy of Karma. What the hell did I do in my life to deserve this? How could I get dealt this? How can anyone? Someone explain this to me...

Does anyone have any other philosphies why? what? something???

I'm sitting here just stressing about everything. I can't sleep. I can't think about food(it actually disgusts me.. which never happens) I'm so deep into this nothingness... Like thinking about nothing... Even if I try to think.. I just sit there- like an empty shell... My dad was yelling at me today to go take a walk.. And I was like I don't want to take a f***ing walk! I start getting into this terribly bad mood swing- and it totally wasn't his fault.. And he's trying really hard to make it better... And... -cries- He didn't deserve this.. He's trying so hard- and I f*** him over like that.

I used to write.. I know that I'm a writer... But- it's like- I have so many thoughts in my head that I can bearly think fast enough let alone write/type/talk fast enough to keep up... I ramble- like i'm doing now.. But.. if you haven't already left.. thanks..lol... :fofftopic

I'm jsut so frustrated. I haven't gone to school... I ditched thur. and fri... and I actually don't want to tell my teachers.. What's the point? I don't have any intention of doing anything for the next 2 weeks... I will fail every class.. and I honestly don't care.. Because I think that if I did try to catch up on everything now- I might throw myself in front of a cement truck...

I feel really stupid for saying all of that.. I was doing really well.. But it's like- whenever I start to do well life just pulls you down.. hard... And I can't fall back into this... Today was the first time in a LONG time that I felt like cutting... I'm slowly dying and no one is there to hydrate me. No one is there to really understand...

I told my cousin (she was one of the first people I told about the incident) about how I felt really weak.. that I actually gave into all of that...and i put it on myself... and she just nodded her head and said yeah.. I mean- it's true.. but I was expecting her to try to support me...
I'm just really selfish- I mean.. It's not her problem...w/e.. I just can't stand life right now.. all I want to do is lie down and sleep.. sleep forever.. and maybe never wake up...
link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [May. 12th, 2005|10:22 pm]
Help.. Was I being taken advantage of?
So I went to my friend 'stephanie's house yesterday. We talked for awhile and I told her how I was feeling... and she was like here- take this- it'll make you feel better.. (It was serequel..but I didn't know that at the time)... So I took it. About 45 min later her boyfriend came in.. They were kissing as such... I was just kind of sitting there. 'stephanie' was like, "Sorry baby- we can't have sex.. I'm on my period." He was like that's okay.. Then some more time went by and she was like... You and Hannah should have sex.

At this time I was just kind of really passive.. She was like, 'do you wanna have sex with him' and I was like..sure...

So we did. It was my first time. And now I'm beating myself up over it...

So, was it my fault? Should I just deal? Or was I taken advantage of? Tell me what you think.
She gave me serequel.. It's some sleeping medication. She takes like 300mg of it.. she gave me like 50 or so... But it totally made me.. I don't know... almost out of it... And yes.. he had a condom...

Like I think to myself that maybe I put this on myself... I mean.. okay.. she's a pusher (weed and things) and she was showing me what she had... and she was like.. you should try coke with me. and i was like no thanks... blah blah blah.. i don't wanna do drugs..blah blah blah..they aren't fo rme... and then I started to tell her how like everything was Loveed up... and i wish i could just relax... and i could never sleep.. and i felt sick and i had a headache.. and she handed me half a pill and said- here. try this.. it'll make you feel better...

I don't think it was a setup.. cuz i think i brought it onmyself... Did i bring it on myself.. like was this some type of way that she thought that I aws asking for her to get me high? I said I wanted to relax... but is that enough to have someone give you summin like that?

I did do weed with her once.. only once... and it was fun that time.. and nothing happened or anything like that at all.. it was awesome.. but then i told her i didn't want to do it again.. and she was like okay... so that should have told her not to.. but maybe i'm sending mixed signals... i don't know.. i can't think...

I mean- if that's the case.. If she htought I wanted the pills- would I still have been taken advantage of?

P.S. It's not like I didn't enjoy it at the time... Does this mean it was consentual... (sp.?) I mean.. it felt nice... but I just.. I don't know... What do you all think?
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So.. Um.. I'm gonna die... [May. 3rd, 2005|08:44 am]
So my dad was like, tonight when I get home we need to talk.. Iwas like about what? And he was like... Why you're so tired.. i was like what do you mean? Are we going to be talking about my weight. He was like, no.. well not really...I was like?!?! He was like i just got your test results back from the doctor. You're prediabetic.. SCORE! ONE MORE POINT TO BEING LIKE MY MOTHER! YES! He was like the only way you can get better is to go on a balanced diet and exercise..And that's only a maybe.. I still might be diabetic after that... And I was like I don't know how to do that. he was like... well we'll get a dietitan. Yes- another dietian.. all for me.. yes yes yes.. So yeah.. I'm gonna die.. I'm gonna die..I'm gonna die.. Stupid Stpid Stupid me.. Maybe I want to die.. maybe I sould.. Save the oxygen for people who really count. I don't want to be like my mother. i don't want to... leave me alone! I'm going crazy... I'm going nuts.. How am I going to concentrate? I just want to sleep.. sleep sleep sleep sleep. Give me one good reason why I should live.. Just one and I'll be happy.. Okay.. happier.. something.. i don't know.. something..i dont' know.. help! help help help.. I'm dying.

I know people live with diabetes.. But- I could die... I'm going to die.. Someone help me make sense of my life... someone help me find my way... i can't survive...
link3 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2005|11:17 am]
Okay.Update. yes!

So i was like the happiest person EVER yesterday. I tried not to concern myself.. ladedadeda.. So I was walking to health and saw lana.. and i was like.. yeah..can i talk to you? she was like yeah.. iwas like.. are you and mike going out? she was like.. OMG... no.. I think he's soo annoying.. I don't even know how you could go out with him.. I'm engaged... blah blah blah.. And I was sooo happy!! So after health we went down the stairs that me and mike always met at.. And he was looking at me (he was trying not to.. but i knew he was)I think he misses me.. which he should.. cuz I was too good to him... anyway. that's the update...

I'm really ahppy that he isn't going out with lana. even if he does have another g/f.. w/e.. it doesn't matter.. I don't know if I want him back.. i dont' think i do.. I miss him though.. The old him.. But yeah.. hit me.. bye
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I guess this proves who my real friends are...(the mike situation) [Apr. 28th, 2005|09:05 pm]
Liquid Idolatry: hey
Liquid Idolatry: how are you
gIrLsRuLe4000: How are you?
gIrLsRuLe4000: ..meh
gIrLsRuLe4000: http://www.livejournal.com/users/thrumyeyes07/20317.html
gIrLsRuLe4000: read it
gIrLsRuLe4000: then tell me how i am
gIrLsRuLe4000: it's nothing really new- but thats what i feel like
Liquid Idolatry: ;.;
gIrLsRuLe4000: should i call lana and be like.. wtf? or just smile and nod?
gIrLsRuLe4000: what's mike's sn?
Liquid Idolatry: um
Liquid Idolatry: my mike?
gIrLsRuLe4000: yes
gIrLsRuLe4000: lol
Liquid Idolatry: mikepac240
Liquid Idolatry: why?
gIrLsRuLe4000: just wondering
Liquid Idolatry: wanna see something funny
Liquid Idolatry: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v466/YayKittie/discovermike.jpg
Liquid Idolatry: don't tell him i showed you this
Liquid Idolatry: xD
Liquid Idolatry: ew you just called you father a sexi beast
gIrLsRuLe4000: lol
gIrLsRuLe4000: XD
gIrLsRuLe4000: lol
gIrLsRuLe4000: that's priceless
Liquid Idolatry: ISN'T HEHOT??
Liquid Idolatry: he doesn't think so
gIrLsRuLe4000: lol
Liquid Idolatry: he's seriously getting mad at me cuz i'm threatening to put it on myspace
gIrLsRuLe4000: lol
gIrLsRuLe4000: that's funny
Liquid Idolatry: you do have a great personality btw
Liquid Idolatry: and you are smart
Liquid Idolatry: I hear some things come out of your mouth that blow my mind during class
Liquid Idolatry: and you are pretty
gIrLsRuLe4000:
gIrLsRuLe4000:
Liquid Idolatry: you know I care about you a lot right?
gIrLsRuLe4000: I hope so
gIrLsRuLe4000: As I do for you
gIrLsRuLe4000: I will always be there for you Kim.. whenever you need me
Liquid Idolatry: likewise
gIrLsRuLe4000: What did I do wrong kim? Why was I never good enough?
gIrLsRuLe4000: He doesn't give me any fucking closure...
Liquid Idolatry: it'snot your fault
gIrLsRuLe4000: That's what hurts me the most...
Liquid Idolatry: you just got wound up with the wrong person
Liquid Idolatry: just fuck'em
gIrLsRuLe4000: Yes it is.. I could have done so many things differently
Liquid Idolatry: hes not wroth it
Liquid Idolatry: NO the guy's a jackass
Liquid Idolatry: this is not your fault
gIrLsRuLe4000: I'm just scared...
gIrLsRuLe4000: I don't wanna be the pigeon/cat lady.
gIrLsRuLe4000: I deserve to get somebody
gIrLsRuLe4000: You're so lucky kim.
Liquid Idolatry: ..... you're not gonna be a pigeon lady
Liquid Idolatry: if you are then I am


and billy also helped me..

markx171: and i'm sure things will be okay. don't get bitchy or anything to that slut
gIrLsRuLe4000: lol... i'll try to be nice
gIrLsRuLe4000: i promise
markx171: good

(there was more..but i xed out accidently)

I feel like shit.. but that's okay. I can get over it.. it'll all work out.. I'll find somebody who really wants me for me.. even if it doesn't happen right now... Now all I can do is live for me.. and not be brought down by immature little boys.

I'm going to try to be happy for him... But what goes around comes around.. that's all i can say...

Thank you for all your support guys... I'll keep you updated.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2005|08:37 pm]
You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.

</td>

Angel

75%

Mermaid

75%

Dragon

58%

Faerie

58%

WereWolf

50%

Demon

8%

What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2005|07:08 pm]
So I was on the bus today and I was talking to my next door neighbor(tori) and she was like yeah alyssa saw your ex-boyfriend... I was like, really? She was like yeah- and I think he was holding hands withs some blonde. And I think I literally almost threw up... There was this like intense pain... I wanted to cry. It's ridiciulous how weak I am. I knew this was coming... GOD DAMN IT I HURT! This is why I don't want to get attached.. So when we break up I don't feel like pulling out my hair. So I don't feel like I'll implode.

I hate him.. I really hate him...

I still love him...

Pathetic.

Just pathetic.

I hurt. Someone make the pain go away...

Pain pain go away...
linkpost comment

............................... [Apr. 26th, 2005|11:34 pm]
Oh what a wonderful day! Why I plauge myself with these filthy thoughts- i'll never know.

Hallie comes up to me and says that she way Mike and some girl.. She said she thought they might be going out. Hallie started to describe her to me.. I was like- oh does she look like this and this and this...and she was like yeah! I was omg... I know her.. It's Lana.

Background on Lana:

I was in her studyhall last year and we got to be friends.. And we'd talk and what not... Actually while Mike and I were going out (when we were going through our hard times) I was talking to lana about it.. (she knows mike.. they both go to tech.) and I told her what was happening and how I felt about him..blah blah blah

Now she turns on me and does shit with my ex?! Whore! We aren't that good of friends- but after hearing how I felt about him, and how he supposedly felt about me... GAH!

Hallie told me she was in gym and Lana was talking to some girl and she was like, "I don't know if I like him, or whatever. But we were totally flirting in gym today." Now mike has always been a flirt.. even with her.. but.. if they're going out- i can't handle it...

I know he should be moving on- and so should I.. It jsut.. it physically makes me sick to think about it. He was mine god damn it mine!

Infact- I hope they have sex together and he catches some terribly bad STD from little miss slut slut.

I got attached to him.. Ha. Again- my theroy.. I'm scared of ever attaching myself again...

So all these thoughts are running through my head about it. I don't know how to sort them. I mean... He's my ex.. she was my friend... they know eachother from tech.. they ride the tech bus (who knows- maybe she's giving him head in the back?!)... she's friends with his cousin...she's russian... she's probably more compatiable... which would make it better for him.. I should be happy for him right? Ha. Hahahahha. I want him to suffer.

What a little vengeful bitch I am... I just can't help it.

I mean- I deserve better. And if they are meant for eachother- then good for them! right? right. god. as many times as i tell myself this- it still makes me sick.. he put me through hell.. And now he's doing it indirectly. It's emtionally draining. I can't breath.

She's short.. and skinnier... (not really prettier.. but skinnier- which pretty much makes her prettier) she such a total poser though..

I just feel like bawling.. Why am I sad?! He was bad! I'm not that great of friends with her.. live and let live.. but i can't.. it just.. i hurt. silent tears cascading...

I gave him so much. SO FUCKING MUCH.. Don't you understand?! I loved him.. and he 'loved' me... I don't undersatnd.. .how can you just stop loving someone??! how can you just stop caring?! how can you just stop all together... I've thrown so many balls into his field- wanting to be friends.. But they never get hit back... I NEED FUCKING CLOSURE! DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND?!

I don't think this wouldnt be as bad if 1. I was skinnier... so i could get more guys.. 2. if I had another guy. But I don't. I'm just some ugly little fat chick who can't get anything... she doesn't measure up.. she's never quite good enough.

I'm not a bad person- really.. I'm really not.. I'm not a good person.. but i'm not a bad person.. I try to be nice..

I can just feel myself slowly rising to a meltdown.. I can't handle this. I'm not strong enough. I'm not smart enough...

I haven't had the will to live anymore.. Honestly.. I've started to requestion why I'm here. Honestly- life is just a series of let downs.. that's all it is... why even bother with heartaches... why even bother with me? I don't have any knowledge that someone else doesn't have.. I don't have anything special. I'm just poor little fat girl.. remember?

How do I become something???

I was thinking about me dying- and how many people would come to my funeral.. I would hope a lot.. but I don't know.. I don't think that I've made that big of an impact on anyone. I frantically flail my arms around- but no one seems to notice.

Maybe I am a bad person.. I mean there are so many things that I could be doing that I'm not- because I'm too fucking lazy. I could go help out at a homeless shelter.. or do charity or something.. but no... so that's my goal (concidering i don't kill myself any time soon) I'm going to be a better person and rise up to the occasion.

I kept thinking to myself what I did to deserve this.. and I still haven't figured it out. I need some type of answers but no one seems to have the answer. or they dont' want to tell me.. or something.. but i need answers..closure..reassuance...reason to live.

Someone give me a reason to live.. give me a reason to stay here...

My fear is that I will never be wanted again. I mean honestly- who thinks I'm attractive.. I'm not pretty. I don't have that great of a personality..i'm not skinny..i'm not smart..i'm not an individual... how will anyone find me? and want me? how am i any different? I'm so scared. I'm so scared of my future...

I'm scared of my future.. and running from my past... and I'm jumping in between them trying to plant my feet on solid ground.. but it collapses as soon as I step on it... or get comforable... And then there I am struggling to get back up. I don't think I have the strength to do it.

So yeah... this turned into something way longer than expected... long story short. i'm jsut disgusted. i'm scared. i'm a coward... I'm.... nothing.
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(no subject) [Apr. 4th, 2005|03:03 am]
Insomnia sucks. 3:10 and I'm still up. I'm so fucking tired. I close my eyes- but it doesn't want to go. eh. someone save me from my insanity.
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2005|05:28 pm]
So I know all of you are dying to know what's been going on in my life... Honestly- I odn't know where to start.

Mike and I broke up. Yeah, tear tear. w/e. It makes me sad and what not- but I don't know.. he doesn't respect me. I'm just so scared that no one will ever like me again. I'm not beautiful. I'm not skinny. I'm not smart, funny, nice. I don't even know what I have. Hell, if I have anything... So yeah- I think that was the reason I was staying with him- because I am/was scared that I'd be the pigeon lady in her NY flat with her 47 cats that she knows all the names of.

I took my passport picture today- and oh god. I didn't know I looked that fat. Omg. It was terrible. Why even bother living? Honestly- what am I waiting for? What am I living for? I don't want to be lonley. I'm so scared of being lonley. Please help me.

I'm always left by people. Now my whole mom's side of the family is pushing me away. They don't want me anymore. Them, out of all people... I thought I'd always have that support. I feel like as soon as I lean my back against the pillar is crumbles- and I fall with it. Somehow I keep finding pillars to lean against. They're almost gone though.

Shari is going to college soon. We haven't spent much time together. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. Kim and I have been hanging out- but I don't know.. I don't know if it's fake or not.

She's so lucky. She gets all these guys that are all over her. And here I am- lonley as can be.

I hurt. I have to keep going... that's what I keep telling myself. But I don't think I can hold on much longer.

More later...
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